Before I tell my "story", just need to mention that to many people my life is "great". From the outside it seems that I'm smart, have a good degree, a job and "friends". From the inside, I may have all those things, but I feel that I dont have the friends people think I am.
So the story begins from birth really (I'm 21 now). My parents were not really in touch with the social medium within the country as they were born and raised elsewhere. They gave me a name that was normal in their (and my) home country however, not so normal in the UK. For this, I was bullied throughout my school life. It began in primary school with the normal name calling, but due to it occuring on a daily basis I entered a shell, and did not feel secure emotionally or physically. The bullying continued from the moment I entered secondary school (aged 11). It was constant, rarely did a day go by when I did get verbally (or rarely physically) abused. It led to me having very few friends and even these were just people to hang out with at school, not to see over the weekend or even the holidays. I don't talk to anyone from my secondary school anymore. At university things began to get better, as lets face it people are more mature there. However, my social anxiety haunted me and I found it hard to trust people. I ended up with a small group of friends, however, recently they have begun to outcast me..increasing this feeling of loneliness I've had all my life.
I feel that this bullying has made me extremely secure, and not great socially. I consider myself to be depressed, and often have bad thoughts. Don't really know what I have to gain by telling my story, just felt it may be good to get it out.
Any advice or words of help would be welcomed (not sure if its possible on here though? lol). | |
OH SATAN I LOVE THEE, BRING PAIN UPON MY ENEMIES
Et incurventur ante te Satan malediceres inimicis vestris pater occidit omnes portant super dolorem.
Tenebrosa potentiae nocte
Congregati lucernam meam scriptor flamma
mittere hostium in umbrosa fuga
dimisisti inimicum meum misere dolor
Satan, I bow.
This is what I do when I want to vent: I take a picture of someone I really dislike. I blow it up. Life size. Then I find my Yugoslavian AK 47, load it with bullets and unload it at the picture. If that doesn't do it, I go to the kickboxing gym, pull out the life size picture of the person who I dislike, and start punching and kicking at it till I want to vomit. It helps. When I'm lonely, I get on Life Sucks, post endless messages, and then smoke a cigarette. I go through every post. Read their post line for line, and really internalize their pain. It makes me feel like my life isn't as shitty as it could be. Other people have it alot worse then I do. I also pray. I ask god if god will strike lightning on my foes. It rarely happens. But I do have faith, that eventually, that lightning bolt will find it's target. So do yourself a favor, find peace in the fact that you're not the gregarious type. Go forth, and be an introvert. There is nothing wrong with that. If YOU'RE really desperate for friends, well, you've got us. That should be sufficient. We're on here all the time- And right now I am sending you a cyber hug- Have a good week-
Smile.
There's a rainbow outside, that god told me was just for you-
Cursed
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