hi everyone (well hopefully someone)
Where do I begin. Well I have this story and its kind of difficult for me to tell. I don't know if anyone else has been through anything similar but here it is. I am a woman and at 23 I ran off with another woman I met at university. I had a young husband I left at the time and nowadays I cannot really remember why I just couldnt love him. But I couldnt. So there was this woman and I ran off with her. She seemed like such a poor wee thing and I couldnt wait to protect her. It seemed her mother was beating her up and had been so unfair and abusive to her and she had nowhere to go and needed me. Well I quickly fell in love and I quickly fell in love with the idea of protecting her and I began to see her a broken bird. Yeah right! That broken bird ended up dominating me. How did that happen? Well she used to make such a terrible fuss when things didnt go her way, and she used to cite abuse stories. For example one time when she was getting started with a relationship with another woman (oh yes right in front of me)she got upset when I got upset and told me I was being abusive for wanting love and affection. You know how emotional these situations can get right? Well we ended up I thought making love and would you believe it - but no, she told me I had sexually abused her. And that was really just the beginning. She used to hit me quite often. And when I got upset, she would say that I made her do it.
Why did I stay with her? Well I didnt really. She left me and ran off to some woman that rejected her. But I felt sorry for her and would tend to support her and take care of her. Coz I felt hurt and lonely and her coming back around made that seem less. How long can this go on for with me secretly hoping we might get back together? Oh about 8 years. It was satisfying sometimes, unsatisfying others and I was a little afraid of her. But I was also afraid of not being in that relationship too.
Eventually I got into online dating and I met a guy and we went off together. And we actually went overseas and travelled around Europe together and it was kind of beautiful - like a honeymoon. The guy was younger than me and he was from the UK and didnt want to move to NZ with me. But I convinced him and he came to live with me. But that woman I was talking about lived in the property next door. At first we formed a funny kind of three way family.
But she kept hitting me. And screaming at me and telling me it was my fault. She turned me into a kind of servant and I kept on doing it. Coz by now I was scared I would lose the guy and her at the sametime. Well that was her. But what about him. Over the 10 years I was with him he became an alcoholic and yes he blamed the other woman for everything. Not that I can blame him. But whenever I suggested moving he wouldnt back me up or help me emotionally or financially.
I soon found photos of him dressed up as a woman doing himself with vegetables. This might have been easier if the woman next door hadnt been the person to find the photos. She decided to tell everyone we knew about them. And he to his credit got through that. But remember he is a raging alcoholic by now and I totally feel as if all this is my fault. Which it may well be. Eventually he starts having online affairs which I know about - culminating in a relationship where he goes to Houston Texas on an air ticket that I paid for.
Anyway he left me a year and a half ago and I moved away from the woman. I'd like to say I feel better and better. But despite counseling and love I actually don't feel less lonely. Its not that I am lonely night and day. Its that I keep turning this story over and over in my mind and hitting a wall of disbelief. All this pain and misery around me and I actually miss it all. I feel kind of useless and I yearn for the day I feel happy in my freedom. I pray for it. I put in hours of work toward it. | |
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